Sex!Life! - The role of carers and parents

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The Role of Carers and Parents

How to talk to Kids about sex

Can you remember when you first learned about sex? Were you embarrassed, frightened, awkward even astounded? And what about the stuff you learned from your friends - some of it was wrong, even stupid, right?

We all want it to be different for our kids, or those we care for. Here are some tips on how to give kids the information they need, when they need it.

And here is the surprise, this information is for children under 10. That may seem young, but that's when most kids are learning about sex in the playground.

So, don't be embarrassed, read on and get ready to teach your kids the Facts of Life, in a way you wish you'd been taught.

What Do Children Need?

Most kids are bombarded with images and information about sex no matter how hard you try to shield them from it - TV, magazines, billboards.

What they need to balance this is good, clear, factual information. And they need to hear it in an atmosphere of openness and support.

If you read books and watch videos aimed at your child's age group, it will also give you ideas on how to model your language and explanations.

When Do I Start Talking to my Kids About Sex?

The earlier the better. Children will notice things about themselves and others from a very early age. In fact we start learning about our sexuality as infants, through the way people talk to us, touch us and respond to our maleness and femaleness.

The earlier we begin communicating about sexuality, the easier, more comfortable and more natural it becomes for everybody.

How Much Information Should I Give?

Children take in what they want and need to learn and disregard what is irrelevant or what they don't understand.

We cannot make children listen or learn the things we want them to, no matter how important we think these things are.

So listen to what they are naturally curious about and use that as a guide to what they are interested in.

Answering Questions

The best rule is to answer any questions your child asks in simple, clear language. Sometimes you might have to give the answer in a number of ways, using different words or explanations until he or she comprehends.

Remember, questions may not always indicate what it is your child wants to know. They may simply be checking out your willingness to discuss sex. So treat all questions with respect.

If you avoid some questions, you are likely to just increase their natural curiosity and you may also send negative messages about any issues you avoid. If you don't know the answer, or feel really uncomfortable answering a question, tell your child that you don't know, but that you will find the answer and tell them as soon as possible. Then contact Family Planning Victoria for help in finding that answer, and ways to tell your child about it.

Remember, kids will always look for the answers, and they may get the wrong information from someone else.

But How Much Information Does a Child Need?

Feeling good about our bodies, as well as understanding the names and functions of all its parts, forms an important base for a positive sexuality.

Curiosity about bodies, babies and conception begins at an early age, while interest in special friends, sexual feelings, "romance" and body changes occur around puberty.

But what about issues such as HIV/AIDS, homosexuality and rape. Aren't these adult concepts?

Being adult concepts, doesn't mean that your child won't ask about them. Try to explain in simple, non-frightening terms. And remember, if you have always spoken openly about sex, discussing topics such as these will be easier.

Some tips on discussing AIDS include

Buy/borrow books or videos from school or Family Planning Victoria
Look for stories that incorporate AIDS as a natural part of the plot e.g. Morris Gleitzman's 1990 book Two Weeks With the Queen is about a young boy who tries to help his sick brother and along the way befriends a man whose lover is dying of AIDS (for 9-12 year olds)
Talk about TV news items on AIDS and HIV
Discuss AIDS in the context of our lifestyles and keeping healthy

Some Common Concerns

It's Embarrassing: nearly everyone is embarrassed when talking about sex. But it's important to talk with your kids about sex, and it gets easier with practice
What If I Make a Mistake?: Everyone makes mistakes. If you have a good, open relationship with your children, a few mistakes will be forgotten. And it's OK to be honest about not knowing everything as it can help build trust and good communication - and it gives your children confidence if they can sometimes tell you a few things!
I Don't Know Enough: Children want to know the most obscure details about things, so do your research. Check out the Family Planning Victoria website for tips on what goes where and why.

Some Tips on Initiating Communication About Sex

Leave books or leaflets around the house
Watch and discuss TV or video programs together
Visit the zoo or other places where animals are around as they are a good way to start discussing topics such as why babies feed from nipples, why female animals' bellies get rounder when they are pregnant
Casually discuss magazine or newspaper stories
Visit libraries together as a way to find out what your child is interested in
Check out your local museum or community centres
Discuss the pregnancy of a friend or neighbour